A part of my day-to-day work is to ask people how big their telephone bill is. I’ve lost the count of how many times I heard this answer: “I have no idea, my partner pays it“.
Not only does the partner pay it, it is not uncommon to learn that the partner in question is also the one who knows the telephone provider. Effectively, the partner I am asking about the bills and telephone company has – apparently – no foggiest idea about the other half’s choice and/or expenses.
Before I go any further, let me tell you that in 2006 BBC ran a campaign promoting a booklet under the name “How to Have a Good Death“. As with many things like this, it made sense for someone to write such a booklet because a lot of people do take their life planning seriously. One section that attracted my attention touched on the necessity to let your family and relatives know about how your finances were organised, what services providers you had, etc.
As you can imagine, when I hear this “my partner pays the bill” response I instantly remember the BBC booklet. I also remember the time when my father-in-law died, and the family had to go through a period of finding out what he owed, and to whom. I truly don’t understand women who tell me: “I’m the lucky one because my husband pays the bill“.
But it’s not just about the postmortem finance management that may befall any family out there. It isn’t about it at all. To me, this is about the nature of marriage, that very “together forever” that we utter both in civic and church ceremonies, as well as in intimate setting with our partner.
Yes, there is something sweetly patriarchal (or matriarchal, depending on exactly who pays the bill) in the fact that I’m leaving it to my partner to manage the family finances. Besides, family budget is like a kitchen: it makes sense to only have one person there at any given time. But, as there is no harm in checking out on pans with boiling water, so with the family budget there is no harm in knowing how much the partner is paying, and to whom.
All the more so, if they are paying from their earnings, or if they use your earnings to pay it.
Some may say: this is called a blind faith, and it’s great if your partner is so trustworthy. I have no question with it: if I am with someone, it is exactly because I absolutely trust them. But is it not indifferent of me to not know how much our bills are, especially if I am using the service provider, too? Is it not indifferent of me to not know what service provider we use for our TV, or phone, or electricity? Doesn’t my indifference run against the grain of what marriage is about: living a life together?
