There’s also a personal reason. Seven years ago I did a similar thing when I went to St. Petersburg at the turn of November and December 2000. I went for a history conference at the St. Petersburg University which was a part of a two-week research trip. Yet I was adamant I’d be coming home on the day of my birthday, not a day before. I was turning twenty, and given the fact that I was born in the morning I’d turn twenty while still on the train. I felt this to be of some significance, like an initiation into the adult life: there’re no parents around, and no-one but you in the entire world (although it may be as small as a train) know that something utterly important has just happened.
I don’t know if I was right or wrong in doing this, but the adult life indeed began, and within a year of that memorable trip I was taking on some responsibilities and duties that I was sure I wanted to have. By April 2004 I wasn’t so convinced, and all the years that followed were a test to exactly what I wanted to do and how I wanted to live. I left my academic studies behind after seven years (1997-2004), having come to terms with the fact that this wasn’t the field where I wanted to express myself. The next two years that I spent in the radio (2005-2007) played a huge part in my life; I won’t write much about it simply because that’s not the topic. For personal reasons I had to change fields again, which, as I already told you, was a good thing to do under the circumstances, and it gave me a plenty of knowledge. Yet again it wasn’t “my” thing.
I’m naturally quite private, so even what I’m telling now is probably candid of me, and I’m still not saying a word about anything more personal. But the main thing, believe it or not, has happened this year. Many comments and letters I have received through the English blog were important, and once again I am very grateful to all of you who commented, wrote and linked to Los Cuadernos. I must admit, due to work this year I haven’t followed up every link to my blog from someone’s blog, and in truth I don’t mind linking at all – I just may not know about your link! So, if you’re such person, please send me a line, as I don’t want to appear uncourteous.
However, from September 2003 well until January 2007, that is, for over three years, I’ve been writing and speaking predominantly in English. I kept reading in Russian, of course, but the vacuum of conversation in my native language compelled me to start a Russian blog, which is quite similar in its topics to what I tend to write about here. Little did I know that I would acquire wonderful friends among my compatriots, some of whom live abroad these days, too. We barely talk about our country in its present moment. The conversation predominantly swirls around the topics of literature and music, but even that was enough to make me finally realise that I won’t be happy until I faithfully follow my heart. And you all know where my heart lies.
I feel like an artist or a singer before they go on stage; or like a traveller who is about to embark on a journey to the unknown land. As I wrote before, it’s only from the distance that one can look at their life and say confidently that they are happy with it. At this moment in time I’m on the road, so I have no idea how it twists and turns. Although I like disregarding gender connotations, I’m aware that, being a woman, I might feel these twists and turns differently from a man. Yet I can’t help but take the challenge, especially when I have people around me who inspire me so much both with their achievements and misfortunes. These people (and one person, in particular) I’m talking about may very well not know how important it is to me that they share their experiences. But their examples are what drives me, and I’m so grateful that they have courage to talk candidly about themselves.
So, I’m going away to Llandudno where I’ll spend a week. This time I’ve finally got the laptop, and I hope it works well for me to share whatever there will be share. The reason why I’ve chosen this place over any other is in the nature of what I’m trying to write. It’s a story of fairy-tales, and it is widely thought that it was in Llandudno that Charles Dodgson narrated to Alice Liddell what would later become the basis of Alice in Wonderland. I can only say that I feel elated that at the turn of 2007/2008 I’m free to go and devote myself to nothing but the artistic process, and I believe it is a good start to how I want to carry on.
And, of course, if there is anything in Llandudno that I should see/visit at this time of the year, please leave a comment telling me what it is. I’m particularly interested in “magical” places, with a “fairy-tale” feel. I’m very grateful in advance.