I received this leaflet from The Carphone Warehouse a couple of days ago, and I felt outraged.
First of all, I was alleged to have had a relationship with Nokia 6610i.
I categorically state that I have never had this phone in my hand.
In its exclusive interview to The Carphone Warehouse reporter, this impostor states that it’d given me the best years of its battery. Considering I’ve been in England for three years and have recently got a new, third, phone, this “best years” statement is an exaggeration, to say the least.
Moreover – is this a common phoney psychology, excuse the pun? – my bel ami says:
‘… In my mind, our relationship was solid. Then The Carphone Warehouse started flaunting younger, sexier models. I mean, these latest phones all seem to be more attractive… I began to feel like I couldn’t compete with them anymore… All I want is for Julia to be happy. So as difficult as this may be for me to say, I’ll understand if I’m traded-in for a younger model. After all, it’s not every day Julia gets a fantastic opportunity like this… Whatever Julia decides, I will always be grateful for the life we’ve had together‘.
What sort of altruism is this??? ‘They are younger, sexier, and throw themselves at Julia, so I’ll step aside‘ – if you’re so insecure about yourself, dear, then I don’t even want to know you. Had you really given me the best years of your battery, you would’ve known well that Julia never went after the features.
As if this wasn’t enough, there came this phrase:
When I first read it, it didn’t ever occur to me that ‘he‘ and ‘him‘ were related to myself. Then the truth came down upon me. Whereas at first I didn’t notice anything unusual about an allusion to the ‘youngier, sexier models‘, I suddenly realised that such expression was employed because I was considered male.
OMG…
I couldn’t believe it. I closed the brochure and looked at the address. And then I saw it. The brochure was addressed to ‘Mr Julia S…;’, with all correct details below. So, first I was alleged to have had a phone which I never had, and then I was also turned into a man, thanks to someone’s mistake.
I don’t actually have ‘feelings’ for my phone, although every time I dropped my first English phone, I felt ashamed. Having said that, I wasn’t ashamed that I was hurting this poor mechanism, but rather that I couldn’t hold it properly. That phone effectively died after being accidentally dropped into a sink, but again, instead of showing remorse for the phone, I was embarrassed at myself.
The younger, sexier models ‘throw’ themselves at me, screaming: ‘Let’s get together, Julia‘, ‘Fancy a fresh start with me, Julia?‘, ‘Ready for a new relationship, Julia?‘, ‘We’re made for each other, Julia‘. It feels like the old adage of a man as a social animal is being taken to the extreme. Not only that you’re expected to socialise and to have someone in your life just for the sake of it, but the same rule is now extended to the ownership of inanimate objects.
Obviously, I’m not about to give in. I’ve got the Sony Ericsson phone in my life, my relationship with it (*him*) is very satisfying. Younger models can throw themselves at someone else. And let’s hope they get the sex right this time.